SAY IT AIN'T SO

Canada "as cool as" America

Apr 1st, 2010 at 10:00AM

In a bold and unexpected move, the US State Department issued a firm statement of non-rebuttal in response to United Nations Security Council Resolution 010410 "Recognizing Canada has become almost as cool as America . . ." The unanimous resolution predictably cited the cast of SNL, polar bears, those tight pants worn by Canadian mounties, and the nifty way Canada keeps Alaska separate from us.

Now that it's cool, "Canada is the new Spring Break," announced MTV tween reporter Gina Voxx. Hot new destinations include bars serving minors in Windsor, Ontario and the birthplace of that guy who invented basketball. US State Department Travel Warnings should reflect the upgrade in Canada's status within the next 36 months. Until that time, US Citizens should take precautions in dealing with funny, good-natured people but especially when confronted by self-righteous, socially-conscious northerners who recycle. US Embassy staff in Ottawa advise US citizens to try and blend in by not complaining, apologizing frequently ("I'm sore-y"), and then returning back to America with a huge chip on your shoulder.

US President Obama added his two Canadian cents by issuing a spontaneous speech that was later televised on Canada's only TV station: "I have a dream . . . that every child in every school in America. . . . will have his or her own Canada Arm". Canadian businesses have responded to this news by increasing exports of whiny female singers from the prairie provinces and rigging American vending machines to accept Canadian "money".

Not all Americans are enthusiastic by this sudden change in status quo. Hundreds of mouth-foaming protestors marched to the Canadian Embassy in Washington to throw hockey pucks at an effigy of Sidney Crosby. "Fine, but Canadians only do cool things after they move to America," said one protester. "Canadian Trivial Pursuit is stupid!" screamed another. An arrest was made after vandals spray-painted "Maple syrup sucks" on a nearby wall. Canadian counter-protesters outnumbered the American crowd 3-to-1 but they were too busy making a documentary about the protesters to really care.

America's Immigration & Naturalization Service admits that over 300,000 people cross the Canadian-American border everyday, however they fail to specify in which direction said people are traveling.

Eh.